I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
You Might Also Like
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth