They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Seems a bit forward
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
having children is a pyramid scheme.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Thank you corporation very cool
Lol.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER