Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
they split up moments later
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.