Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”