If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The glockness monster
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did