Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9