Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
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I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Ovenable?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?