*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.