I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.