married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
You Might Also Like
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
fired
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
This hospital has everything
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan