“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Check your privilege
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.