Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.