8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.