I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Breaking news:
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Something Saturday.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?