Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.