Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.