Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..