Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
stop
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”