The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.