ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.