Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”