“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
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Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point