Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go