you stereotypes are all alike
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If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“No way.” -Jose
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Reporter: *ports again*
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?