For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME