ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
My current situation
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.