toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”