ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Well, this explains it:
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Said the murderer.