Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
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bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*