OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
This raises questions
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved