Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.