Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
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There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Bond. Trauma bond.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse