*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Has there ever been a more American story?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.