My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.