A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
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Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Living the best life.. 😊
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️