I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”