Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him