I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
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Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car