i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Based Erika
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.