Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please