Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic