*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier