Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti