perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Selfie
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
WHO DID THIS?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones