[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
OMG 🤣🤣
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?