Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.