I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of