ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
got so much cardio in today
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
my nickname in college
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.