Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz