WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn